The big day was here. I was finally about to deliver our first child. The pregnancy had seemed endless and I was so exhausted waiting for my “Sapnon ki Rani”. I knew it was a girl the moment I knew I was to be a mom! And towards the end of the nine month long wait to take a peek on this baby girl of mine, the only song on my lips was “Mere Sapnon Ki Rani Kab Aayegi Tu”! Never would have the romantic star of 80s imagined such a situation for his song.
And I was here, waiting for my bundle of joy. The problems happened, and my doctor did a c-section. The pain was excoriating and I almost felt dead when I heard her shrieks. Oh no! This was a bundle of screams!! Everyone had been so excited about motherhood, all stories I ever heard immortalizing the Mother, idolizing and iconising her seemed illogical. I could not believe I had actually dreamt of being one of those sweet moms who could solve all her children’s troubles. Alas! I couldn’t stop her screams on day one of her life.
With some depression and a lot of pain, I started the endless journey of changing diapers, mother feeding and of course the sleepless nights. My husband shared every burden of mine but I felt alone in this battle of wits with the new role I was to play. I lost my hip size, I lost my hair. Just as I felt like a big loser, I realized all that I had gained, oodles of weight, a pimply face, and the stench of dirty diapers and powder on me. A constant worry of my daughter’s well being overpowered every action of mine. And contradictorily I also hated her for taking away so much from me, not to mention my “My Time”.
I resigned to my fate that this was never going to end, when she started talking, calling out “Amma”. Well it was all worth it, I suddenly understood what all those moms’ meant when they are proud of their children being their closest friends.
Today she is older, comes to me for all and sundry, confides to me, seeks advice, argues and is still a bundle of screams at times, but I have found my joy of motherhood and that is just what it means.
