Bundle of Screams

The big day was here. I was finally about to deliver our first child. The pregnancy had seemed endless and I was so exhausted waiting for my “Sapnon ki Rani”. I knew it was a girl the moment I knew I was to be a mom! And towards the end of the nine month long wait to take a peek on this baby girl of mine, the only song on my lips was “Mere Sapnon Ki Rani Kab Aayegi Tu”! Never would have the romantic star of 80s imagined such a situation for his song.

And I was here, waiting for my bundle of joy. The problems happened, and my doctor did a c-section. The pain was excoriating and I almost felt dead when I heard her shrieks. Oh no! This was a bundle of screams!! Everyone had been so excited about motherhood, all stories I ever heard immortalizing the Mother, idolizing and iconising her seemed illogical. I could not believe I had actually dreamt of being one of those sweet moms who could solve all her children’s troubles. Alas! I couldn’t stop her screams on day one of her life.

With some depression and a lot of pain, I started the endless journey of changing diapers, mother feeding and of course the sleepless nights. My husband shared every burden of mine but I felt alone in this battle of wits with the new role I was to play. I lost my hip size, I lost my hair. Just as I felt like a big loser, I realized all that I had gained, oodles of weight, a pimply face, and the stench of dirty diapers and powder on me. A constant worry of my daughter’s well being overpowered every action of mine. And contradictorily I also hated her for taking away so much from me, not to mention my “My Time”.

I resigned to my fate that this was never going to end, when she started talking, calling out “Amma”. Well it was all worth it, I suddenly understood what all those moms’ meant when they are proud of their children being their closest friends.

Today she is older, comes to me for all and sundry, confides to me, seeks advice, argues and is still a bundle of screams at times, but I have found my joy of motherhood and that is just what it means.

Star Wishes

There are times, when waiting for a connecting flight could be like a million light years! Sitting in an alien land, armed with a simple transit visa, i was stuck for the rest of 4 long hours with nothing more than my iPod, the latest copy of my favorite Fashion magazine, and some very noisy kids running around, with their mom wailing behind them!

Ah mom! My thoughts were drifting back and forth to our small apartment in Mumbai, where i spent the most impressionable years of my life. And there was mom, and me, eating our snacks and drinking milk post school, in our large balcony facing the sea. Mom worked in my school as a Math teacher, we went to school and came back together for this revere of ours together. Thinking of mom takes me back to these moments all the time, this was the best time of the day, with nothing to hurry about and just talk.

Oops! There, someone found me again! "Hi, Ms. Swapna! Oh my god! its actually you. I never, er...I'm such a big fan of yours! I wore the same thing you orderd on my wedding, remember the question i posted on your website? Oh! I forgot to add, i'm Ms.Hema, oops i had posted as 'Confused on Clothes'". I gave the mandatory smiles, and posed for a picture, which i later signed and handed it over. Hmm, life is funny! 'Confused on Clothes' what a name was that!! and moreover, its my team which answers these silly questions people pose. I call them silly, coz if it was me, i would just wear what i'm comfortable in, not what someone 'orders'. Smiling to myself, i looked at the magazine with me splashed on the cover page, with the reigning Miss World. She had won the crown, and i had to dress her up for it. Ah, the tantrums celebs throw just to get into decent clothes. Smiling to myself, i settled back looking around at those noisy kids, who had by now settled with their set of colour pencils and books.

Kids can be so difficult to manage, i watched the weary look on their mom's face. She dint notice me, all her attention was on her future Picassos. Mom's are probably like that, dreaming up their kid's futures and working meticulously on it. My mind went back to those days in the balcony of the small sea facing apartment. Mom had found my passion very early in my life, crafts and art. I loved painting, dressing up dolls, coming up with creative things around the house. We always had a routine, finish off the school chores and get to action. With the sea breeze hitting my hair, i could work as much as i could in that balcony. Into my teens, she converted it into a studio, with some amazing pull down shades for the summer. From dressing dolls, i went on to dress up mom! Her saris were my canvas, where i could experiment with works and drapes. My mom was always so proud of my work, be it sloppy or great, she would religiously wear them everywhere and show it off with pride. It was this pride of hers, which got me onto newer heights, when i chose Fashion as a career. My father was a little skeptical about my choice of college. With such good grades, thanks to Math teacher Mom, he expected an engineer atleast, if not a doctor out of me. But mom stood her ground for me, she knew my interests just too well. She trusted my choice, and that simple was it.

There was an announcement which bounced me back into the noisy airport. Yes, my flight was on time, thank god! and i should be home by late evening for my snacks and milk in the balcony with Amma. This time its a silk sari for her. Oh, today it has been woven in my own weaving unit in the villages of Gujrat, and worked upon my myself. Honestly, i spent more time on this than on that Miss World outfit staring out of the front page. I smile to myself and continue with the songs in my iPod lest i fall asleep.

Hayley Williams, sings, "Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now". Twenty years ago, mom had probably not heard this number, but had done exactly that and made me all that i am now.